15 May 8 of the main needs that drive us in a relationship
We all need to contact other people from the moment of birth. Having not received a mandatory portion of attention from significant loved ones in childhood, we replenish this deficit in all subsequent relationships, friendly and romantic. What are the main needs we strive to satisfy?
Man is a social being. Without contact with other people, we do not develop. Back in the middle of the 20th century, numerous studies showed that a child who has been deprived of contact with his mother is getting stuck in development, including physiological, even if his physical needs are satisfied.
Each person, and the child, first of all, must satisfy not only personal basic needs for survival and physical safety, which Abraham Maslow spoke about, but also the need for relations. Of course, we are not talking about situations where nothing of the parties is needed from the other, then there will simply be no relationship.
“When healthy relationships are not available, children have to take care of themselves. If children are deprived of responsive relationships, they are likely to form confidence that no one will help them – neither now nor in the future, ”the authors of the book“ outside the empathy ”, in which the main needs for the work of the psychotherapist and client are examined in detail, according to the first -part of the work.
Deficiency – often unconsciously – affects our daily contacts in ordinary life. We do not always understand why now we reacted so violently to the seller’s replica in the store or the phrase colleague for work. And often a gap from childhood develops into a gaping hole filled with void, and prevents the construction of normal adult relationships.
And vice versa, when we find what we have not been enough for so long, we calm down and feel more holistic. We can work in the same company for many years, to be married for many years. Perhaps we finally got what was so necessary for us. And if not, then we continue the search further. What is this basic need for relationships?
1. Safety. The need that Maslow spoke is reflected in the relationship. In them we strive to survive and be safe. In a healthy relationship, we can be what we are, not afraid to be unacceptable, without fear of losing love and respect.
But to show yourself, to show your openness https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/extra-super-p-force is risky, because this means exposing your vulnerability and removing protection. Everyone wants to be sure that at this moment a “blow” in Achilles’s heel will not receive a caustic remark or an unexpected mention of previous mistakes and failures. That is why at the very beginning of the relationship, each of us checks the other: how safe is the stay nearby. You need to be prepared for the fact that at this moment they check us and us. Can we guarantee security for our part?
2. Recognition of value. We want us to be appreciated, taken care of us and considered us worthy. Do we want to be near those who do not understand us, do not appreciate or respect? Of course, a complete understanding is impossible – we ourselves do not always understand. The question arises: “If they don’t know me at all, then how can my value recognize?»But you can get closer to understanding. Interest in another makes it possible to recognize him and give him such a recognition of value.
3. Acceptance. In childhood, we need to accept from a strong, stable and protecting adult. We all, when we were children, wanted to respect the parent, mentor, teacher and rely on him. “We needed to have significant people from whom we could receive protection, encouragement and information. Unfortunately, many have not satisfied this need, ”the authors of the book write.
Often, from a partner on relations, we expect that he will be stable and reliable: to comply with agreements, respond to phone calls, justify our trust. We want to be sure that tomorrow he will be the same as today.
4. Community. To be on the same wave with someone, to feel that someone nearby has the same or experienced before is an important parameter of relations. A community is something that sometimes does not need to be explained in words. This is when we are with people who share our views, our experience or feelings. Not a generalized “it happens to everyone”, but “I also have the way you have”. At the same time, it is not necessary that a person literally lives the same. It is important that he feels the same as we.
5. Self -determination. Even while in a relationship, we want to maintain our uniqueness and receive recognition of this uniqueness. This is the antipod of the need for community: to be similar, but in some way exceptional.
“The expression of one’s self -determination can be a risky business – a too frequent manifestation of one’s own dissimilarity is pushing for disapproval and ridicule. Such reactions are especially common in childhood and adolescence, when peers insist on unconditional commitment to the unspoken rules of the group, ”the authors of the book believe.
Children who grew up among conformism, unquestioning submission to the rules and norms, may never learn to be themselves. Such people in relations will have a constant need to be real and feel that they are appreciated and admired by them.
6. Influence. In any relationship, we want to influence each other. We dream of changing someone else’s way of thinking, behavior, emotional reaction. We want not only to influence, but also to “see the effect of this influence and know that something happened to the other person in response to our actions”. Healthy relationships suggest the growth of each of the partners. We want to attract the attention of another, interest, influence.
Often, children with all their might attract the attention of adults. "He or she does not listen to me" is the most common complaint to a psychotherapist about a spouse. Hear the other is one of the ways to let him understand that we feel his influence on us.
7. Initiative from the other side. We want the initiative to communicate not only from us. Any relationship where someone alone always takes the first step, ultimately becomes one-sided or even painful. Very soon we will begin to doubt that they are truly interesting to another and that such a relationship is worth continuing. Sometimes we save them, but we close them. If we are not confident in ourselves, we can begin to blame ourselves in everything and, as an extreme case, to “protrude” to experience this need at all.
“Of course, they rarely come to such conclusions in adulthood. These are the old scenario beliefs that can be supported and strengthened by the behavior of some adult in our life-a friend, a lover, an employee and even a psychotherapist if this person is insensitive in our needs ”.
8. The expression of love. What could be more natural than a feeling of love and affection for someone who knows well, respects us, accepts and cares for us? “In any close positive relations, the participants feel care, love, respect and gratitude to each other,” the authors of the book recall. The expression of these feelings is one of the needs for relations. After all, what we experience in relation to another is part of ourselves, and we want to express it.
Often in a relationship, the other side prevents the expression of our feelings, because he does not know what to say in response. We grew up in an atmosphere where to show our emotions openly – be it joy or anger – you can’t. And often, our open good feelings respond with suspicion. Learning to thank and accept the feelings of another is an important skill in a healthy relationship.
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